For the longest time I have had a single criteria for joining a religion: That I one day (during this lifetime) be rewarded for my devotion with the ability to choke people from across the room using nothing but my will (ala Darth Vader). Today, I add a new criteria to that list.
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The right religious belief system for me will include not just the ability to choke those who deserve it (based solely on my own judgment of their worthiness), but also an undeniable belief that some (many) inanimate objects are actually evil spirits that lay motionless for long periods of time (centuries if necessary) in order to spring forth and cause injury of some form to people. Whether it be making way more noise than they ever have before in order to wake a sleeping baby, or whether it is a slight movement in order to cause someone to trip, bang their elbow, or otherwise be given pain, these objects are evil and must be dealt with.
To that end, my new religion will provide not only confirmation of what we all already know deep down in the heart of our soul if we will only listen, but also a way to fight back. That is, this greatest religion in the history of mankind will offer a way to retaliate against those objects who parlay their evil into my pain. Whatever the method may be, it will allow an equal amount of pain caused to me to be inflicted upon the responsible object, plus a small markup for the purposes of vengeance and for teaching other objects that this human is not worth the trouble.
If your religion offers these two things, please attempt to convert me at once.
(Note: Belief systems that offer only vague myths and whispers of such powers need not apply. I was born at night, but I wasn’t born last night.)
